Enter a name.
Yours, or someone you'd quite like to bother. That's the entire vetting process.
Snack status: under review
Official paperwork confirming
you're not shark food.
It protects sharks considerably more than it protects you.
A personalized certificate for a friend, coworker, or beach-worrier. No shark has recognized it yet. Recipients frame it anyway. $4, delivered instantly.
The Alliance is fictional. The conservation commitment is real — tracked and reported, certificate by certificate.
How the Bureau proceeds
Your snack status has entered formal review.
Receive suspiciously official paperwork.
Official-looking, frame-ready, and completely powerless against actual sharks.
Do one genuinely good thing.
The protection is a joke. The shark conservation it funds is not.
Sharks aren't the threat — we are. Part of every sale funds real shark protection.
Try it live
Tired of being mistaken for a seal? Preview the certificate before the sharks make assumptions.
Certificates
Choose the paperwork that best matches the situation.
All three are personalized and delivered digitally. The real difference is conservation allocation, ceremonial status, and whether the Bureau is clearing a human or a place.
Most Popular
Entry tier
Protected Friend Status
$4
The everyday certificate. Personalized, giftable, and official-looking enough to raise polite questions at work. One dollar of it is set aside for shark conservation.
- Personalized digital certificate
- $1 to conservation
- Instant download — print and frame
- Private registry record — public listing optional
Premium tier
Non-Snack Recognition
$19
The same certificate, with louder conviction. For humans who would rather be filed as a person than a snack — and want a bigger share going to the sharks.
- Everything in Protected Friend
- $12 to conservation — 12x basic allocation
- More serious official status
- Non-Snack status highlighted in the public registry
For businesses
Shark-Free Zone
$99
A certificate for a place, not a person. Formally declares an office, café, or aggressively land-based room off the shark menu — and sends the most to conservation.
- Business or space certificate
- $70 to conservation — most of any tier
- Highest Bureau recognition
- Registry record for the zone — public listing optional
Real Impact
The joke is fictional. The impact is not.
~100M
sharks estimated killed by humans annually
<10
human fatalities from unprovoked shark bites in most years
⅓
of shark and ray species are threatened
450M
years sharks have survived on Earth
Source — Worm et al. 2013 · Dulvy et al. 2021 · Florida Museum ISAF
The paperwork is fake. The allocation is not. Each certificate sets aside real money for shark and ocean conservation, starting with the first public allocation target. Shark Trust, Oceana, Shark Conservation Fund and Malpelo Foundation. The rest keeps the Alliance's one-person land-based bureaucracy operational, which is less majestic but regrettably necessary.
Be among the first wave of diplomats.
The certificate is a joke your friend will frame anyway. The money for sharks is real. The whole thing takes about a minute.
Every certificate gets a private registry record. Public listing is optional — only if you choose to be visible.